Lady Baby and Mama Lady

2010-09-18T22:19:00.003-04:00

Lucy and I got a job! We started working for a man who runs a dried fruit importing business out of his home, in our apartment building. We go up every day from 11-2 to help with paperwork and bookkeeping. Lucy knows where we’re headed when I tell her, “Ok, it’s time to go to work!” She packs up her little blue shape-shorting purse, and waits for me by the door.

Being at work is still a balancing act for me. We work in my boss’s office, which is pretty small, and crammed with things Lucy isn’t allowed to play with. There are boxes of envelopes to unpack, important post-it notes to tear up, metal doors and drawers to bang and clang, and a stapler collection (!!) right at her level. I started packing a backpack of special toys that Lucy is only allowed to play with at work. The bag gets fuller and fuller as I get more and more desperate to get actual WORK done at work.

Lucy plays with the toys for a little while, but spends most of her time sitting on my lap and having ba-bas. I wasn’t sure how my boss, a childless man in his 80s, would take to me nursing on the job. For the first few weeks, I thought he didn’t realize that when Lucy yells “ba-ba! Ba-BA!” and climbs into my lap, we’re actually nursing. But then he was in a grumpy mood one day, when Lucy demanded her bas as soon as we walked in. He grumbled, “You come to work just so you can eat, huh Lucy?” Now that I know he’s on to us, I’m actually really impressed that he puts up with his assistant nursing literally half the time she’s at work.

Luckily, I can count on Lucy to take a nap at the office. I’m amazed that she can fall asleep and stay asleep with all the importing commotion going on around her. I try to get as much done as I can before she wakes up, and my boss says, “It’s aliiiiiiiiiive.”

I really do like our boss. He calls Lucy “Urchin.” For a man who never had children, he’s really sweet with her. She handed him her toy phone a few days ago--trying to start a game of "let's pretend someone is calling me on the phone." He took it, and said, totally deadpan, "Hello? Lucy? She's right here. You can talk to her if you'd like." He handed the phone back to her and she just grinned at him. Now that I think about it though, she spends more time with him than anyone besides me and Tim. I guess that makes them best friends?

I do miss certain things about not working. I miss having the whole day unscheduled, so we could do whatever we pleased whenever the mood struck us. Now we have a definite schedule every day (but they do say that’s good for kids). I REALLY miss napping with Lucy every day. Now when Tim gets home from work, I don’t have the energy to go to the gym or run around outside. I also miss my mama friends—it’s really hard to meet up for playdates when we’re at work right in the middle of the day. But working is good for me, I think. I finally have something on my resume, and I’m learning skills that I might be able to use as a freelancer. And most importantly, I like having more to me than mothering. I love mothering, of course, but I feel sometimes like I lost my multi-facted-ness when I became a stay at home mom. It feels so rejuvenating to have one of my facets back.

My 28th Birthday

2010-07-22T22:49:00.003-04:00

Celebrating my 1st birthday with Mom.

I turned 28 yesterday. It was my favorite kind of birthday...mellow and relaxing, with a few festive touches, family to celebrate with, and cake!

Lucy and I played on the playground in the morning, and then took a nap together. I finished a novel before dozing off with her. I love the gentle rhythms that our days seem to have now...we make meals together, run around on the playground together, do errands together, take naps together, and of course nurse, nurse, nurse. The days just seem to flow so gently (well, between tantrums!) and I cherish them so much.

Then when Tim and Karima got home from work, we got ready for dinner. Lucy helped me cut the strawberries.

While I put Lucy to sleep, I read the new Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, which was a birthday present from my mom. It was beautiful to read about the joys of nursing with my baby curled against me, mouth on my breast, little hand resting on my other breast.

When Lucy was asleep, we had a light, summer-y dinner, followed by my first attempt at veganizing one of my favorite childhood birthday cake recipes. My parents sang Happy Birthday on speakerphone with Tim, and I made two secret birthday wishes.

I guess I'll tell you when I turn 29 if they came true this year!

One year old

2010-03-22T23:33:00.004-04:00

Dear Lucy,

Today is your birthday! I thought I would be a crying mess today, but it was actually a happy, lighthearted day. It was drizzling, so we had to change all our plans. We ended up spending the day in the community center playroom.

After Daddy and Karima came home from work, we sang Happy Birthday and let you eat a whole chocolate muffin.

We had some tender moments today...when I nursed you down for your nap, I thought of all our sleepy daytime nursings throughout the year. I remembered those marathon five hour naps last summer, and a few months after that when you kept trying to practice crawling while staying latched on. After you fell asleep, I stayed next to you in bed, staring at your cheeks (still as round as the day you were born!) and taking a million pictures.

And then tonight, when I nursed you to sleep for the night, I cried while singing the lullabies that I sang to you in your newborn weeks. I remember that those lullabies made me cry then, too, when I was just so blown away by my motherlove for you, and the sudden understanding of my mom's motherlove for me.

I can’t believe it’s been a whole year already since I gave birth to you. You still feel like my baby (and always will), but you’re also starting to feel more like a kid. Every now and then, I catch glimpses of what it will be like when you’re old enough to be my funny fairy friend. I am nostalgic for your babyhood, but this is the most fun age so far. You’re just such a delightful; you make me laugh every day. I want to put you, the way you are at this exact moment, into a time capsule so I’ll always remember just how silly and wonderful you are as you turn 1. These are the funny things you do that make you you.

When we nurse, you pop off and paw at my chest while grinning and cooing. I say, “oh, you’re a funny guy, huh?” and paw back at your chest while you cackle at me.

You go running towards the front door when you hear Daddy’s keys in the lock. Then while he takes his coat off and settles in, you stand right underneath him, smiling up at him with joy.

When I make our lunch smoothies, you always ask me to pick you up so you can watch. You hide your head against my shoulder while the blender is whirring. Then you steal my peanut butter spoon and lick it happily while I have lunch.

You love dancing! You stand at the baby gate in front of the stereo and look at me expectantly until I turn on the radio. Your favorite songs to dance to are Bad Romance and anything by the Clash. Sometimes when Daddy comes home from work, we put on music and all dance together. When Karima is around she joins in, too.

You always charm people in the elevators. When the doors open, you shriek “eeeee!” and grin. You’re really just happy to hear the bing, but people think you’re talking to them and just love it.

When you hear me put a youtube video on, you know I’m going to wrap you on my back. You come running over and hold your arms out so I can get the wrap around them. While I’m wrapping you, you lean your head on my shoulder so you can get a better view of the video.

You love talking on the phone. Whenever I’m talking to someone, you demand to talk, too. I put it on speakerphone and you walk away holding the phone, grinning and yelling “ah! Aaah!” You and Grammi have whole conversations of saying “ah” back and forth to each other. You just started holding anything you find to your ear and saying, “ah?” like it’s a phone.

Your favorite game is still peek-a-boo. You hold a shirt up to your face, or behind your head (you don't quite get that the point is to cover your face), and giggle quietly while I say “where’s Lucy?” When I find you, you crack up.

For months now, you’ve thought sneezing is the funniest thing in the world. Whenever you sneeze, you get a gleam in your eye and then pretend sneeze for another minute. You like pretending to cough, too. I've probably spent whole hours of the last year pretending to sneeze and cough at you.

This year has been such a journey for me, and I’m so thrilled to be journeying with you. I love you so much!

Love,
Mama

Remembering this night, a year ago

2010-03-21T22:50:00.004-04:00

For the last few days, my fellow moms from birth class have been posting updates on Facebook about what they were doing a year ago. "This time last year, I was howling and writhing in pain!" This time last year, I was 29 hours into labor..."

As Tim was going to sleep tonight, I asked him how he was feeling exactly a year ago. He said, "aaaaaaaaaah!" I wonder what Lucy was feeling?

And I've been thinking about it, too. How can you not? So, this time last year, labor was really tough and I was ready to make it stop. For the last hour, I had been laying in the tub by candlelight and listening to Pachelbel's Canon recorded over ocean waves. I tried to drift in and out of sleep between contractions while my amazing doula fanned my face with a lavender-scented fan. My doula, Kate, decided it was time to try something else to move labor along, so she encouraged me to get up and get dressed. I remember trying to make my wet, scraggly hair look cute (I'm so vain!) even though I could barely focus on anything except the intensity of the contractions. Kate and Tim found me some clothes and dragged me down the stairs and outside to the street.

(The only pictures we have from the hard part of labor are blurry. It's fitting, I guess, since my memory of them is so blurry and distorted. )

I walked up and down the block, pausing during contractions to lean on the fence around the hedges, rock back and forth, and moan. I tried walking with one foot on the curb and one in the street to help the baby descend. We kept walking past a man and a woman with a little dog. On our last pass by them, the woman said, "Good luck!" to me and I found it so encouraging. She had an accent, and it reminded me that THIS, labor and birthing, is something that women all over the world can understand in each other, even without words.

Now, a year later, I'm sitting on the couch in the living room. Tim and Lucy are in bed already, but I wanted to stay up and write. I just opened the window behind me, so I can feel the night air on my skin like I did a year ago, as I labored on the sidewalks of Astoria. I had no idea at the time how much harder it would get, and then, how suddenly awesome!

Getting ready for a lady baby

2010-03-21T00:11:00.001-04:00

The photo application on my laptop has a feature that shows you what pictures you uploaded exactly 12 months ago. When I see them, I'm always transported right back to my life when the photos were taken. It knocks me off balance a little bit. How can it seem like they were 10 years ago, and only yesterday at the same time?

Twelve months ago, I was so busy getting ready for our lady baby to be born. A few weeks earlier, we found out that our lady baby was breech. I was horrified because I knew if she stayed breech, I would be forced into a c-section. Tim and I tried every idea we could find to turn Lucy around. We talked to her, telling her to turn around. I told her “Dochenka, povernis,” just in case she spoke Russian instead of English. We played Beethoven and whale sounds for her at the lower part of my stomach. I laid upside down on our rickety, Bargain Stop ironing board leaned against the bed. We even burned mugwart incense near my pinky toes (a baby-turning method from Chinese medicine.)

Whenever we lit the incense, Lucy tried her best to turn head-down. We could see her lumping and bumping around, but she always got half way around and then slid back to breech.

Finally we tried our last resort, an external version at the hospital. It was terrifying and painful, but it worked. Lucy was head-down, and I could continue preparing for our home birth!

And prepare we did. (You know me!) I had list upon list of things to do.

We scrubbed the house.

We practiced setting up the birth pool.

I made lists of all the food I might want to eat during labor, with notes of exactly where it was and how to prepare it, for our labor support people. I thought it was hysterical that I had a "placenta" section in my recipe binder.

Grammi came to stay with us.

And a little while later, Paddy came, too.

We did a trial run of Lucy's birthday cake. As it would turn out, I wouldn't manage to make the cake during labor (Grammi and Paddy handled it). Who would have thought that a woman in labor would have better things to do than bake? The cake that Grammi and Paddy ended up making was almost the only thing I ate for the first few days after giving birth.

We made meals to stock the freezer.

And I just rested. I loved leaning back on the couch with my feet up, watching lady baby roll around in my stomach. She was so active at the end, always sliding her elbows across my skin, or trying to stretch her limbs so my whole belly stuck out.

Every night, I laid down in bed and rubbed lotion on my belly. In the glow of the salt lamp, I massaged lady baby's body under my skin, and sang “dochenka” to her. I always wondered if it would be our last night of just the two of us, under the same skin, and I wanted to treasure it.

I was so ready to give birth. I was so ready to meet my daughter. And then finally, exactly one year ago, I woke up with contractions.

Fun times

2010-03-19T11:52:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I made Lucy laugh so hard she threw up. I'm not sure if that makes me an awesome mom or an awful one!

March 17

2010-03-16T23:50:00.004-04:00

A year ago today was my due date. The date that I had two countdown widgets for. The date that was my reference point, my guiding star, for almost a year. I know it will always be a day I remember.

Now that we're closing in on the end of Lucy's first year, I'm feeling so wistful and nostalgic. I want to write down everything, save everything, remember everything. Every time I lay down in bed to nurse Lucy, I think of the things I want to record. My thoughts about Lucy, the things that make her smile, our private jokes. I have a whole Microsoft Word document full of blog drafts that I can't post because I keep on thinking of things I want to add to them. I've never been much of a recorder before. I've always liked the idea of journals, but would write in them for a few weeks before forgetting them under my bed or in a drawer. But this feels different. This year is too important to ever forget. Could I forget it though? I remember being a little girl, and singing the hymn, "Does a mother forget her baby? Or a woman, the child within her womb?" I didn't know what that meant until this year. Of course I can't forget this year, but I'm still so scared of the details slipping between my fingers.

I talked (cried!) to my mom tonight on the phone about this nostalgia. She said of course I'm feeling like this. She said that motherhood is just so big and life-changing that no one can convey it's magnitude. It's true.

I feel like this year was such a special and magical time that it's hard to let go of. I cried every day for the first week after Lucy's birth, because I didn't want her to be a day older. I didn't want to get farther away from the time that she was inside me, and that I birthed her and became her mother. I remember sitting on the couch with my mom one night when Lucy was a few days old. Lucy was finally asleep in my arms after a marathon nursing session. I cried to my mom, telling her that I just didn't want Lucy to ever get any older, that I wanted her to stay my tiny baby forever. My mom looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "I know, I feel that way about you, too." I'm not so hormonal now as I was right after Lucy's birth, but I feel just as sentimental and teary. How can it be that just a year ago, Lucy wasn't even in the world? And now she's so here, so herself, and I'm such a different me. We're such a we.

Budding Russian Gymnast

2010-03-16T22:55:00.005-04:00

Today Lucy did a summersault for the first time. She was so pleased with herself! She rolled all over the bed, laughing and shrieking. That’s one of my favorite things about her—she's so rambunctious. I like that she's not a sweet, dainty baby. Instead, she's gutsy and funny and outspoken. Can you tell that I secretly want her to be the kind of 14 year old who dyes her hair green and plays guitar in an all-girl band?

Lucy is walking!

2010-02-07T13:31:00.003-05:00

I guess I should finally post this, huh?

Here Lucy is, right before she turned 10 months old.

And just two weeks later!

It surprised me that Lucy went from taking a few steps and toppling over, to walking all over the apartment, in just a few weeks. Oh god, does this mean she's a toddler and not a baby?

I remember thinking, months ago, that it would be so eerie to see my floor-bound baby get up on two legs and take off walking. But it feels...natural, I guess. She looks just like herself, just walking. It's hard for me to even remember when she couldn't walk.

I've been thinking lately that the first year with a baby is kind of like a time warp. It does go so fast! Lucy evolves so quickly that it seems like she's been at whatever stage she's currently in forever...it's hard for me to even remember what she was like before. I remember her crawling, but before that? She must have been stuck wherever I put her, but I just can't picture it! It's just that Lucy seems so HERSELF right now, that her current self replaces her younger self in my mind. I'm surprised by this, I thought I would remember everything! And that makes me sad. I want to remember every single second. I have thousands of pictures and hours of video, but I find myself thinking, "Should I be writing down sweet things that Lucy does? Making audio recordings of her voice, her singing, her babbling? Should I be writing Lucy monthly letters? Making A Day in the Life, 10 months photo collages?" I know this year will be one of the most precious ones of my life, and I wish I could preserve the whole thing in a snow globe and keep it forever.

Mischief

2009-12-09T23:58:00.004-05:00

This baby is always making me laugh with the high jinks she gets herself into. She's always up to something!

A whole refrigerator full of fascinating things to play with, but of course she goes for the wine!

And here's what she does when I take away the forbidden item...

Listen for the happy noise at the end when I give her the camera!

Papa got a new job

2009-12-09T20:27:00.006-05:00

Tim got a new job, and we're so proud of him!!

He started during his new company's holiday crunch time though, so he's been working very long hours. Lucy's been asleep every night when he gets home. I can tell that she misses him a lot. Last night she sat straight up, wide awake, when she heard him get in bed. She climbed over me (stepping on my eye like it was nothing, of course) and jumped on him. She even sang him a baby-coo song about how happy she was to see him.

Today we were able to video chat with Daddy. Lucy loved it, but I think Tim loved it more.

So what have we been doing on these very long winter days without Tim?

I've been putting Lucy to sleep for her morning naps in our new wrap. This wrap must be woven from magic sleep dust. Lucy wasn't able to fall asleep while I'm wearing her around the house until we got this. It's so sweet to snuggle her against me, rock her while looking out the window, and sing lullabies while she breastfeeds to sleep.

We've been playing dress up and taking ridiculous pictures of ourselves in the mirror. I need a 15 year old to teach me how to take better mirror photos!

We had lunch with a mama friend who lives in our building today. She made autumn minestrone soup and brownies! Lucy had her first pear, and actually liked it. So far she's only liked broccoli, onion (doesn't take after her Grammi I guess!) and the pear. Lucy's really not too big on solids yet, she'd rather just eat breastmilk and paper.

We've also been taking long Christmas walks in the late afternoons. It helps get me through the home stretch when Tim used to be home to help with Lucy before she goes to sleep. Lucy and I go out when it gets dark and walk through the neighborhood. We stop to look at all the Christmas trees and decorated store windows. Lucy especially loves the flickering LED trees--she watches them for whole minutes yelling "oooh! eeeee!" Today we window shopped at Bed, Bath, and Beyond, and took this distracting and rather unflattering photo. (I really do need self portrait lessons!)

This polar bear is finally sleeping. All that Christmas sparkle tuckered her out!

Lucy learned how to dance!

2009-12-09T20:22:00.002-05:00

Lucy danced for the first time last week. We were listening to Christmas music (and have been every day since October! I'm glad she's too young to judge me...) and this song got her moving. She started out with the normal baby booty bounce, and then switched to toe tapping. I've never seen a baby dance like that! Aaaaah I love her.

things i want to remember forever #2

2009-11-22T00:01:00.005-05:00

your first joke! about a month ago...we were smooshing around in bed while daddy was at work. i was lying on my back, trying to feed you. you were breastfeeding for a little while, then unlatching and climbing me like a jungle gym, and then returning for more milky. you unlatched from my breast and crawled down to my stomach. you latched on to my stomach, sucked a few times, looked up at me, and laughed. then you latched on to my knee, sucked, looked at me, and cracked up again.

Field Trip!

2009-11-21T20:29:00.004-05:00

My friend from high school, Maureen, was in town this week. So we took a field trip to the Met. I was surprised at how quickly Lucy took to Maureen...usually she's wary of people she doesn't know touching her. But Lucy gladly let Maureen hold her while she grabbed at Maureen's necklace and coat buttons. She even let Maureen play with her while I went to the bathroom, out of her sight! Maureen has a special kind of baby magic, and she'll be a beautiful mom someday.

Here Lucy and I are in an Assyrian temple. We were exploring the Central Asian gallery, on the hunt for art from Kazakhstan. We didn't find any Arts of My Baby's Peoples, but we did find an elderly European man who shook Lucy's hands while crowing, "I have found the most beautiful work of art in the whole museum!"

I was, of course, on the lookout for anything boobs related. (I really have turned into my mom!) There were many boobsy artifacts to choose from, but this was my favorite. I want my own boobs jars! (Jugs? Ha!) I loved the wooden figures in the Arts of Africa gallery. The women's breasts were shaped almost like faucets. Breastfeeding has certainly given me a newfound fascination with breasts!

I let Lucy down from the carrier so she could stretch her legs and explore the museum on her own terms. She couldn't see much art from there, but she did notice her shadow for the first time. As she crawled towards it, it crawled away from her, until she pinned it against the wall with her forehead.

Lucy was the only baby loose in the museum. She charmed all the visitors, especially an older lady with a walker that Lucy tried to pounce on. One man walked past her and laughed, "Starting her young, good for you!" I thought it was a riot to walk around the exhibits with Maureen, while Lucy followed a few feet behind. Now that she's mobile she can participate in our lives on a new level, and I adore it.

I'm beginning to get a glimpse of what having Lucy as a daughter will be like as she gets older. One mom I know, whose daughter is 3, said that she doesn't feel like a mom. Instead she feels like she has a tiny friend, a silly little playmate to skip through life and make glitter paintings with. I can't wait for that. I see it sometimes already...like when Lucy clowns around, trying to make me laugh by smashing her face against mine or diving around in bed. I love Lucy at this age, but I still can't wait to see her at 2, and 3, and really every age forever. I just can't wait to watch her as she grows up and becomes more and more her.

things i want to remember forever #1

2009-11-21T20:20:00.004-05:00

in our dark bedroom, quiet but for the whoosh of the fan, helping you fall asleep. you breastfed softly and then rolled away. i watched for a moment as you stirred, not quite sleeping. i curled up around you, my stomach to your back, just like we were when you were still in me. i nuzzled my face into the back of your head, and felt the warmth radiating towards me. your hair was sweaty, it smelled like sunshine and the earth. we laid together, breathing together, until you were sleeping and i was left lying in the dark, overwhelmed with love.

Field Trip!

2009-11-15T22:05:00.004-05:00

Tim dragged us to the Museum of Natural History today. I was nervous about how Lucy would handle it, but she was a champ. She napped on the subway and woke up ready to go!

Can kangaroos nurse while they're wearing their babies? I can!

Games with Daddy!

Tim really wanted to see the giant whale. But the whale section was closed for a special event, so we saw dinosaurs...

And...something with curly horns.

We walked through the Asian and African Peoples exhibits, looking for some babywearing mamas, but couldn't find any. Really, women didn't babywear in Asia and Africa? Speaking of which, my mom just got Lucy a baby book with pictures of babywearing around the world. It makes my heart happy! And Lucy likes to read it on the potty.

Lucy had so much fun at the museum! This is the first field trip she's been on that she seemed to appreciate. She kept trying to dive out of my arms to get closer to the exhibits. We let her stand up at a few exhibits, and she banged on the glass with so much excitement. She even gave her biggest seal of approval--a super fast arm bounce while yelling "yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!"

So we didn't see any whales, but we had a great time.

Oh blog, you make me feel guilty

2009-11-08T23:51:00.004-05:00

I know I should post more, but I'm busy mothering! I feel so guilty for not recording every single moment of every day. Lucy's babyhood is passing us by so quickly. That's what everyone says, right? "It goes by so quickly!" What they don't tell you is how much that hurts! She's growing up so fast, and it's heartbreaking. Can you tell by my level of introspection that Lucy has been asleep for hours now? It's nice when she gives me a long enough break that I can start to miss her, and reflect on my life with her...

Here's what we've been up to...Lucy and I went back to St. Louis to visit my family. It was a great visit, and while we were there Lucy learned how to pull herself up to standing! She was so cute at first--wobbly in the middle like she was hula hooping. Now she's standing up for most of the day, so she's very stable. It's so different so see my baby upright! She can crawl really fast now too. There should be a word for "crawl running," right? Lucy crawl runs across the room whenever she sees something exciting, and it's adorable. She's cruising around the furniture, too.

Tim's parents came for a visit. Last time they were here, Lucy just cried or looked around. Now she's making faces, laughing, zooming around the room, and playing games. And speaking of games, Christmas came early here! Lucy has a ton of new toys to keep her entertained and help her learn Russian. She thinks the Russian books are so so funny, every time she opens one she cracks up. Her sense of humor is really developing! Making Lucy laugh is the sweetest thing in the world.

It's been so long, and I have so many new pictures! It's so hard to choose just a few, but I'll try:

Happy!

Not happy!

FINALLY got her first animal costume!

2009-09-30T19:10:00.001-04:00

Would it be so wrong of me to keep the AC on all winter, just so I can make her wear this around the house non-stop?

6 Months

2009-09-22T23:00:00.006-04:00

“The moment a child is born, the mother is also born.
She never existed before.
The woman existed, but the mother, never.
A mother is something absolutely new.”

~Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

Today you've been in the world for six months,
and I've been a mama for six months.
It's a beautiful journey we're on together.
I love you, baby girl.

My Birth Story...Part 1

2009-09-22T13:03:00.005-04:00

I was five days past my due date and sooooo ready. My mom and dad were in town, anxiously waiting for ladybaby to come. The birth pool had been ready to go for weeks. We’d deep cleaned the house and stocked the freezer with meals and treats. We’d even managed to turn ladybaby from breech to vertex. And now we were waiting. I wasn’t having any signs of impending labor, and was getting frustrated and impatient.

On Saturday morning, I woke up at 8 am with a contraction. A contraction! At least I thought so. I laid in bed for a few minutes, looking at my wedding ring and Tim sleeping next to me, and thought…it will never be just the two of us again. And I kept having more contractions!

I got out of bed and went into the living room. I turned on contraction master and found out that my contractions were coming 5 minutes apart, and were 45 seconds long. I was surprised; I had been expecting contractions much slower than that. I sat on the couch for about an hour, doing a jigsaw puzzle online and listening to NPR podcasts. Being alone and just doing my own thing felt exactly right.

Around 9, I went back in to the bedroom and woke Tim up. “I’m having contractions,” I said, “I think I might be in labor.” Tim sat straight up and yelled, “Call the midwife!!!” I told him I wanted to wait, in case the contractions fizzled out. We got dressed and went outside to get bagels (our weekend morning ritual). At the bagel shop, I stood in the back and rocked through contractions. The bagel ladies, who have been a regular fixture in our lives for years, were so excited when we told them that I was in labor.

Tim and I left the bagel shop and called my parents to tell them I was in labor. We asked them to come to the apartment and do some last minute cleaning while we were out. Tim and I walked to the park, where we sat on a bench and had breakfast. The morning was cold, clear, and sunny. It was beautiful, and it felt so good to be outside. The contractions were getting stronger; I had to stand up and rock through them. Tim and I took this picture, the last picture of just the two of us.

We stopped at the health food store and the video place to pick up some last minute things. At this point, we called our doula, Kate. She told us that we should labor alone for a while, so that we could learn how to work together and get into our labor groove as a couple. She would join us when labor got harder. We got home and saw my parents, who were just finishing up with the dishes and vacuuming. I teased that they were our menahune—Hawaiian elves who do the family’s chores while they sleep at night. My parents hugged me and left.

I had a lot of nervous energy and wanted to get everything ready and perfect for labor. I took down the bedroom curtains...It just felt right to make the room as sunny and bright as possible for ladybaby's birth. I took a shower, washed and dried my hair, and put on makeup. I was imagining gorgeous birth photos, and me looking radiant with perfect hair and make up. I thought I was so smart for putting on waterproof mascara—I figured I’d be cute even if I cried with joy when the baby was born. Little did I know I would spend most of the rest of labor in the water, and would give birth looking like a wet dog, and by that point my makeup would be the last thing on my mind.

Once I was looking fly, I was ready for labor to pick up. Tim made me a Red Raspberry Leaf tea infusion, and accidentally burned himself pretty badly. I drank the tea while bouncing on the birth ball and reading Dr. Sears’ Birth Book. Of course I had read it a million times already, but I wanted to fit in a last minute cramming session. My mom and little brother teased me later about that, they said it was “so Kathy” to be studying while I was in labor! Tim started getting the birth pool ready, and accidentally jabbed my stomach with something sharp while I was having a contraction. It drew blood and made me cry. I think I was just so overwhelmed with the idea of being in labor, anything would have made me cry.

Around 4 pm, Tim and I put on the movie (Baby Mama!) but didn’t get very far—every time I had a contraction, I had to pause the movie. I needed silence! Contractions were getting stronger. I had to stand up during them and rock back and forth. I put a pillow on top of the tv, which was the perfect height to lean over during the contractions. My back was hurting, so Tim applied counterpressure for me whenever I needed him to. I was feeling nauseous, and threw up a few times. I actually felt nauseous for all of labor…I spent most of labor with a blue bucket in front of me in case I threw up more. I had planned to make a rainbow birthday cake for ladybaby while I was in labor, but realized that I wouldn’t be able to do anything except focus on labor from then on. Tim called my mom, and asked her to come over to get the cake ingredients. I locked myself in the bathroom, where I took a hot shower while bouncing on the birth ball. I heard my mom come to pick the cake stuff up. It was nice to hear her voice as she talked to Tim, but I didn’t want to see her. I just wanted to be by myself. My parents ended up spending my labor in their sublet apartment a few blocks away from ours, making the rainbow cake and watching reruns of West Wing.

After I got out of the shower, I tried to lay down in bed and rest. The contractions were hurting pretty badly, and my back felt awful. Tim made me a nest of pillows and got the heating pad for my back.

The photographer who was supposed to shoot our birth called. The other couple she was booked for was in labor too, so she was going to miss our birth. (The other couple happened to be our friends from birth class, who ended up giving birth the same day we did, so our babies are birthday twins!) She wanted to come over to take a few pictures of labor before she went to the other couple's birth, but I said no. I still wanted it to be just me and Tim.

I'll write Part 2 when Lucy gives me a chance!

Updates--we're learning stuff!

2009-09-02T14:41:00.002-04:00

That's right, Lucy and I are learning stuff.

Here's what Lucy learned:
1. How to sit up for a few minutes...then she falls over and cries.
2. How to get where she wants to go. She can logroll pretty quickly, and is doing the funniest looking inchworm scoot. I'll put up a video if I ever figure out how to get them out of the video camera!
3. How to stand up if she's holding on to something. Well, and then she falls over and cries.
4. Teething hurts.
5. Pulling Mommy's hair is FUNNY because it makes Mommy make some pretty ridiculous noises.

And here's what I learned:
1. I'm a better mom if I don't stay up until 3 am!
2. How to breastfeed Lucy while I'm wearing her in the mei tai. This is a biggie, folks.
3. How to put Lucy down for a nap while I'm wearing her on my back. Finally! This was basically the whole reason I wanted to learn how to baby-wear. And now, 5 months later, we can do it! Lucy's sleeping on my back right now, and breathing so sweetly on my neck.

Tim's learning a lot too. He plays with Lucy every morning for a few hours, so I can sleep in. He and Lucy have their own special games, and he's becoming an expert settling her down when she cries. It's so sweet...now when Lucy wakes up in the morning, she rolls over to him, whaps him with her fists, and yells at him. She wants him to get up and play with her! Meanwhile, she totally ignores me in the mornings, unless she's ready for breakfast.

I'll see if I can find some pictures of all of this!

Who's so funny?

2009-08-15T21:35:00.004-04:00

Mama's so funny!

Papa's so funny!

Mama also thinks Papa is pretty funny with that "I was out sick from work for a week so I grew this just to see if I could" goatee!

La Mer

2009-08-04T14:14:00.003-04:00

We're at the beach!

I know a baby who doesn't like the water too much.

Less trash, less chemicals, less fussing

2009-07-26T01:17:00.005-04:00

We started doing elimination communication! I'd been thinking about doing it since Lucy was born, but it was just too much to handle. Now that life with a baby is getting more manageable, I figured it was a good time to try it out. So I got a baby potty, put Lucy on it, and she peed! While giggling and laughing!

Tim likes EC too, because he doesn't trust the chemicals in disposable diapers. Plus he just thinks poop is funny.

Now that we're going through less diapers, I decided to take the plunge and transition towards cloth diapering. I was scared before, since we don't have laundry in the building, but hand washing really hasn't been that bad. And the diapers were super cheap--I just cut up some old sheets and some thrift store nightgowns, and we tie them on her. Easy! And aaaaaaaah! So cute! I think plaids and stripes are much more "her" than the pastel Disney characters on the disposable diapers.

Don't worry, I've gotten much better at tying them on since that one.

See?

Somebody stop me, I can't stop uploading pictures of my baby's butt in rainbow plaids! Ok one more.

Another thing we've been trying to do is give Lucy more air baths. It's supposed to be great for babies. And Lucy loves naked time! Well, usually...

Naked time
+ Learning to roll over
------------------------------
Giraffes in uncomfortable places

26/27

2009-07-21T23:50:00.002-04:00

26.

27.

26.

27.

I'm 27! My birthday was perfect...Tim stayed home from work and brought me bagels for breakfast. I napped with my sweet baby in the afternoon. In the evening, we tried to go swing dancing at Midsummer Night Swing, but it was dangerously slippery from the rain. So we listened to a few songs in the drizzle, I breastfed Lucy at Lincoln Center, and we came home for late night birthday cake. I made a chocolate amaretto mousse cake (a family tradition!) for the first time. It was low-key and so sweet...my first birthday as a mama.

Swimming!

2009-07-20T18:01:00.005-04:00

Lucy went swimming for the first time last week! Here's a picture of us all ready for the pool. We couldn't actually take any pictures in the pool, because this pool is on lock down. More on that later!

We went to the pool with two of my mama friends, one of Lucy's baby friends, and our tiny fetus friend. I wasn't sure what Lucy would think of the water...it was pretty cold! When we waded in and Lucy's feet touched the water, she gave me a look of "I don't know about this, lady." And she looked SO surprised when we went in up to her shoulders! We warmed up quickly, though, and soon she was smiling and splashing. I wish we had pictures!

Well, here's a picture of the pool when it opened it 1936. It looks the same now, except it's in color.

Yesterday we went to the pool again, and this time we took Tim. Since it was a weekend, the pool was much more crowded. There must have been hundreds of people there. Tim mentioned that it felt exactly like going to the pool in prison. Here's how it went down.

When we got to the park, there was a line to get into the pool. A parks employee walked up and down the line, yelling at the people waiting, and telling the group of teenage boys in front of us that she had her eyes on them. Before we could go into the locker rooms, they checked our bags and made us show them our swimsuits. I took Lucy into the ladies room, where mean-looking women monitored us at every turn, saying things like, "Ladies, don't throw your sanitary towels into the toilets!" Tim said that in the men's locker room, they make the guys shake out their towels to ensure that they're not bringing in weapons!

We got into the water and had a wonderful time. Lucy had so much fun splish splashing and kicking her feet like the most adorable baby duck ever. It was super crowded, and at one point Tim yelled at some teenagers who rough-housed too close to Lucy.

Right after we got out of the pool, the life guards started blowing their whistles and making everyone leave the pool. The cops even came out of their on-site police station to do crowd control as the hundreds of people all returned to the locker rooms at once. I wondered why a pool needed an on-site police station, until I read about the "Astoria Pool Melee of 2006" when I was looking for that snazzy photo above. Apparently, a small riot broke out in line for the pool when the parks employees didn't tell the people waiting for hours on line that the pool was closed. Someone threw a bottle that hit a little girl, the parks employees used some racial slurs, and the swimsuit vendor's stand was ransacked. Wow!

So back to our trip to the pool...it turned out that someone had pooped in the pool, and that's why everyone was evacuated. Gross!

While I was getting me and Lucy changed and ready to leave, a group of girls was watching us. The youngest girl, who was about 8 years old, pointed to me and asked what was on my body. I told her stretch marks and spider veins. Her sisters were terribly embarassed, and literally covered her mouth as she tried to ask more questions about my bizarro post-partum skin. Sigh. I have the kind of body that makes 8 year old girls ask questions! Also, my hair is falling out and making what Tim calls "seaweed" in the tub. When he took a bath with Lucy to rinse off the cholorine (and the feces of an anonymous Queens resident), a whole forest of my hairs wafted gently up from the non-slip bath mat. It really did look like a bed of seaweed. Depressing, but magical!

A year ago today

2009-07-07T23:17:00.006-04:00

This is me, with a tiny you inside me. We were at an Indian restaurant with Aunt Karima, celebrating finding out that we were having a baby you!

And here you are today, a year later, bringing joy to your Daddy's life.

Dear Lucy,

A year ago today, we found out that we were pregnant with you. It was so exciting that you came to us so soon...we had just started trying! It was like we wished for you, and there you were. In my favorite story, when the women get pregnant they know right away, that very second. I always hoped that it would be like that for me. I didn't feel you right that second, but even before we took the pregnancy test, I could feel you with me.

It was so hard to wait until the day that I could finally take the test. That night, I stopped by the flower stand to buy a bouquet of flowers for Daddy. I already knew that we would find out for sure that we were having you. Daddy was asleep when I got home, but I just couldn't wait until morning. I woke him up, took the test, and then went into the bedroom to snuggle with him and read a bit of my favorite story while we waited. I went back into the bathroom, and the test said PREGNANT! Oh, I was so happy. I think it was the happiest I had ever been. I told Daddy, and he just giggled. He laughed all night!

And here we are, a year later. I grew you inside me, I birthed you, and now you've been out in the world for 3 months. You're just starting to grab onto your toys and put them in your mouth. You wake us up every morning by screeching gleefully as loud as you can. You love going for walks in the sling, and you still fall asleep against my chest almost every time we're walking. You always laugh when your Daddy tickles your fat, roly-poly thighs. You're starting to get teeth, and it makes you a sad baby. You smile at me as soon as you hear me start to sing your favorite songs. Oh Lucy, we love having you here with us! Being your mama is such a delight.

I love you,
Mama

Saturday at the Met

2009-06-23T02:40:00.003-04:00

I'm surprised to say that having a baby is actually helping me get out of the house these days. Tim has always been the kind of New Yorker who wants to, you know, SEE New York on the weekends. He wants to go to museums, parks, concerts, that sort of thing. I'm the kind of New Yorker who wants to sleep until 4 pm on the weekends, and then eat junk food in the apartment until it's time to go to sleep again. Now Lucy Loo wakes us up early on the weekends, so we've been getting out the door at a reasonable hour and enjoying the city.

On Saturday, we headed to Manhattan to the only place I seem to go lately--the sling store! I really wanted to have the ladies there show me how to carry Lucy on my back. It didn't work as well as I hoped...she's not quite big enough yet to be comfortable on my back. She's close though. The lady who helped us was showing me how to swing Lucy over my shoulder and onto my back, and she demonstrated on herself with Lucy. Afterward, she said that it's obvious that Lucy is a "worn baby" because she laid so calmly on her back. I liked that. I like that there's something in Lucy that shows that we wear her all the time, since that's such an important part of our parenting philosophy. Anyway...I got a new baby carrier called a Baby Hawk. It's beautiful! Tim says that when Lucy is in it, she looks like a birthday present. I'll put pictures up soon! It's cooler to wear, so I imagine that Lucy will be more comfortable in it as the weather heats up. It's also good for back carries, which I'm hoping Lucy will be able to do soon.

We left the sling store and realized that it was still early, and we were right next to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. So we showed Lucy some art.

And some more art.

And we breastfed.

This is the classiest place I've ever nursed in public. We are fancy ladies, us two.

I'm happy that as long as we're living here, Lucy is getting to take advantage of some of the unique things New York has to offer. Not that she'll remember, but when she gets big we can always tell her that she breastfed among Greek sculptures at the Met.

She's 3 months old today

2009-06-23T00:48:00.000-04:00

I love you so much, Baby Girl.

Becoming happy...Update

2009-06-17T00:47:00.005-04:00

So far, my becoming happy efforts are really paying off.

One of my goals is finding other parent friends. I joined a local new moms group, and I hope that Lucy and I can go to their Walk in the Park meeting on Thursday. And today Lucy and I braved the subway alone for the first time, so we could go to the Attachment Parenting meeting in Manhattan.

It wasn't too bad! Lucy was awake on the ride to Manhattan, but she just looked around quietly and blinked at everyone. She slept the whole ride home. It was empowering to realize that we did ok...maybe now we won't always be stuck in Astoria!

The meeting was great. Oh wow, was it great. It was small, only 5 or 6 moms and their kids, but that made it cozy and intimate. We talked about various mamaing dilemmas we have. I brought up feeling guilty about going to the gym, because I know Lucy will likely have a melt down while I'm gone. The other mamas had some smart ideas that I'll definitely try. And the kids at the meeting were adorable. One little girl kept talking and singing to Lucy--it was cool that she treated her like a real little person, not just like a doll. And when I laid down to breastfeed Lucy, the girl laid down on the other side of her and petted her hair. Awwwww. After the meeting (which was in a sling store), the store owner gave me a lot of advice about how I can wear Lucy on my back. Babyhawk, here I come!

Speaking of going to the gym, I went to the gym again. Tim said that Lucy did really well up until a few minutes before I got home. She was still screaming when I walked in the door, but at least she was easier to calm down this time.

I decided that my new hobby is going to be learning Spanish. I joined this site called Live Mocha, which is kind of a combination of Rosetta Stone and Myspace. So far it's a lot of fun. I'm still kind of thinking about getting a job, or going back to school. We'll see with that I guess.

And things with Tim are going well. He's been taking Lucy in the mornings, so I get to sleep in a little. They bring me breakfast in bed every day! We've been disco dancing more, taking more walks together, and just having more fun. That's my favorite thing about our relationship, how much silly fun we have. We lost some of that when Lucy was born, but it's coming back! Get ready for a blog dance challenge, ya'll!

Sleepy moose

2009-06-16T23:53:00.003-04:00

Tim just put up an adorable video of Lucy being sleepy.
Here are some cute photos of her, also being sleepy.

Hooray, we went to the zoo!

2009-06-15T00:59:00.003-04:00

I went with them.

To see these.

Well, and snow leopards, and funny tropical birds, and monkeys. But sadly, no chinchilla-like anythings. Those are always our favorite animals to look at in the zoo.

Don't you just love quotes from books when they appear exactly where they belong in real life? When I was working at a bookstore in high school, I got to dress up in a Wild Thing costume and be the Wild Thing at story time. It was sweet. We had a Wild Rumpus, did the hokey pokey, and my mom came to watch me. I should get this book for Lucy.

And of course, Lucy and I breastfed. It's what we do.

Here's my cute story from the zoo...While I was changing Lucy in the bathoom, I heard a little girl say to her mom, in German, "A little little baby!" I smiled at her and said, "Yeah, a little little LITTLE baby!" She asked me how old Lucy is, and her name, and I told her. Then the mom said something super fast in German...Oops! My German definitely isn't THAT good anymore. It turns out she was asking how Lucy got all her hair. And she said my German seemed so good that she thought I was German! Well, at least until I couldn't understand her!

So that means that in one weekend, I had conversations with two little girls, in two languages I barely speak. Holy gajumpins, I should call Grandpa HoHo to tell him. I think he would really appreciate that! I guess that's a point for living in New York City. This wouldn't have happened (not in one weekend at least) in St. Louis. Plus, when we were at the zoo, it seemed like practically every Asian family we saw was an Asian and white family. That's another point for New York. I do wonder if it would be easier for Lucy to grow up as a biracial girl in NYC than in St. Louis. Any thoughts?

Hooray, we went to the playground!

2009-06-15T00:42:00.005-04:00

On Friday, Lucy and I went to our neighborhood playground with Elizabeth and Judah. I'd walked past before, but never stopped in. I didn't realize it would be such a hot bed of potential mama friends! Well that might be overstating it, but there was a mom of a 15ish month little boy who mentioned in passing that she also wore her son in a wrap, and they loved it. Look out lady, because next time I see you, I'm friend-hitting on you!

It was really sweet...I wore Lucy in the Moby, and when she woke up, I sat on a bench and breastfed her. There was a little old lady there with her grandkids. I'm guessing she was Tibetan. She was wizened, toothless, and wearing the most regal outfit I've ever EVER seen in New York. She was splendid. Like this lady, but fancier.

Tibetan Grandmama looked approvingly at Lucy in the Moby, and when I started breastfeeding, she nodded at me. Isn't that wonderful? It made me feel like women of the world have this incredible thing in common, this mothering thing, and it translates so perfectly. And I love that this woman approved of my baby-wearing, breastfeeding-in-public, attachment parenting. Attachment parenting is so instinctive to me, even if it isn't prodominant in our culture. How awesome to see that those instincts can transcend culture!

Speaking of which, I just found this gorgeous slideshow of baby-wearing around the world.

The other adorable story from that day was a 3 year old girl who was fascinated when I breastfed Lucy. She practically climbed up in my lap when I sat down to feed Lucy, and she wanted to stroke Lucy the whole time she was eating. She kept asking me--in Spanish--what the heck Lucy was doing. The girl was convinced that Lucy was come-ing my teta (eating my breast) and I told her (in Spanish, no less!) that no, she was drinking milk from my breast. The little girl didn't believe me though. Her mom giggled along with me, and said that the girl had never seen breastfeeding. Aww, I'm the breastfeeding ambassador to tiny girls!

Lucy + Mama = Total BFF

2009-06-10T23:24:00.003-04:00

Lucy and I have a nice time together. She's been so much more interactive lately. It warms my heart knowing that I'm her best friend.

Mornings are her favorite time to play. She's a laughing, adorable riot!

Sometimes we like to get dressed up. This is us in our fancy clothes at a fancy party. I'm having wine and cookies for lunch. Lucy's having breastmilk.

Wow, I can't believe this worked. Lucy let us sit down at our Eurotrashy cafe and have coffee and dessert! She mostly slept, while I tried (unsuccessfully) to not drop nutella crepe all over her head.

Tim loves this picture because he says Lucy looks like she's in a cocoon. I love it, too, because it reminds me of why I love babywearing. It just feels so right. Like, deep in my mama soul. Her tiny little face looks so sweet and peaceful, doesn't it? Sure, I could put her in a car seat and take her to a cafe, but it just wouldn't feel as lovely.

Figuring out how to be happy

2009-06-10T22:55:00.005-04:00

We went to an Attachment Parenting Picnic in Central Park this weekend. It was a gorgeous day, and we had a fantastic time. (Tim put up pictures on his blog, too.)

Lucy had a great time, too. It was her first time in Central Park.

Of course, we spent most of our time breastfeeding. It is her favorite hobby, after all.

For me, the best part was meeting other parents who parent like we do. I'm desperate for more parent-friends! Going to the picnic was part of my plan to figure out how to be happy here. I really hate living in New York. I feel trapped. I'm only here because Tim insists on staying here. So basically, if I want to stay married, I'm stuck in New York. Going to St. Louis was a wonderful break from hating the city, but while I was there I realized I need to make the best of an unideal situation. Here's my plan...

1. I'm going to find more parent friends. My best mama friend is moving away next month. I'm so so happy for her and her family, and at the same time jealous that they're moving back home. So especially in light of her leaving, I need to reach out and find more mamas. I really liked the people I met at the picnic. I'm hoping some of them live near us, so we can see each other outside of their events. I also joined some local moms groups. Hopefully I'll find some like-minded mamas there.

2. I'm going to try to be healthier. Before I got pregnant, I was in the best shape of my life. I didn't realize how much that was a part of my identity. Now, 10 weeks after having Lucy, I still have 35 pounds of baby weight, flappy stomach skin, and stretch marks. I don't like how I look or feel. I miss the endorphins I got from working out, and the alone time. I started working out again in St. Louis, and it feels SO GOOD. And Tim's been great about watching Lucy at night so I can go to the gym. But last time I went, I came home to Lucy screaming alone on the couch. It made me feel awful. Really really awful. I know next time I go to the gym I'll be picturing her screaming, and it will make it tough to enjoy myself.

3. I'm going to find a hobby, take a class, or get a part time job. I'm not sure which one yet. I'm trying to decide between learning Spanish, taking trapeze lessons, going back to school for accounting, or the job thing. I just need something to occupy my mind besides parenting. I am a multifacteted person! It's so hard to remember that during my day to day life. It's hard not to let motherhood overshadow personhood. I need to work on that. Hopefully learning or doing something new will help.

4. I'm going to work on my marriage. A new baby is tough on a new marriage, no doubt about that. It's hard not to kill each other. And when things in our relationship feel bad, I feel even worse about living in New York. Like, I'm stuck here for THIS? So I'm going to read some self-help books (ugh, I'm a soccer mom!) about relationships for some ideas. And just try to be nicer to Tim. Now that the baby's getting a little older, I have a tiny bit more time and energy to put towards our relationship. That makes him happier, which makes all of us happier. Happy wife, happy life, right? We've been spending more time interacting in the evenings--taking walks, playing games, just talking. It already feels like it's helping.

I feel like that's a good start. I really hope it works. I don't want to be miserable here!

Leaving on a Jet Plane

2009-06-08T00:25:00.005-04:00

Lucy and I stayed in St. Louis just long enough for her to meet Mike and Kali.

She really liked them!

She likes Jen, too. Aw man, it was so hard to leave, look how much fun she has here!

Here's Grammi with Lucy right before we left for the airport. She's exhausted from all the packing I made her do.

And we were off!

The flight back was nowhere near as easy as the flight here. Lucy had a meltdown right before we got on the plane. I had to walk down the aisle of a packed flight, all the way down to the back row, with a screaming baby in my arms. Great. Can you imagine the looks we got? And the guy we sat next to was so weird. He kept trying to annex the armrest and part of our seat (you know how guys are) which meant he was smooshing himself right up against me as I breastfed. Thanks, guy. Luckily Lucy didn't cry too too much on the flight itself.

Yep, back in beautiful New York!

More Family Fun

2009-05-25T00:18:00.004-04:00

We've been spending most of our time here hanging out with the family.

Our buddies!

Lucy thinks Great GranE is a laugh riot!

My aunt Karen just had her 50th birthday party. We brought Lucy as her birthday present. That lady sure loves babies!

Stand back!

How sweet are the two of them together?

Pretty pretty

2009-05-25T00:10:00.003-04:00

I made Lucy her first toy!

I hung a few strands of mardi gras beads (thanks Paddy!) from the rubber tree in Grammi's kitchen.

Lucy lays in the Moses basket under the tree and watches those beads for whole minutes at a time!

She even figured out that if she grabs one of the necklaces and shakes it, it shakes the whole tree and makes all the beads twinkle.

Not that she's doing it on purpose, of course. But she's enjoying herself nonetheless!

Here's what it looks like to her.

The best part is that this entertains her for the WHOLE time it takes me to scarf down my oatmeal and put the coffee on! Like, 3 minutes!!

Video--Lucy's first coos!

2009-05-24T23:55:00.001-04:00

Awwwww! I'm making her cooing noises at her, and she's making them back at me. And even giggling! She just learned how to giggle today!

Holy cow she's wonderful!

Peekture. Mor peekture (as requested).

2009-05-24T23:49:00.006-04:00

Picture post for Lucy's papa, who misses her bunches.

Who's our little Mexican?

On our way here, the flight attendant took one look at Lucy and exclaimed, "Girl, are you married to a MEXICAN??"

Eh, for all intents and purposes, yes.

Yelling yelling!!

2009-05-18T02:28:00.004-04:00

Lucy did not have a happy day.

But I did! After a failed attempt last night--Lucy cried really loudly at the store, I didn't want to be THAT GIRL with THAT BABY so we left--Mom, Lucy, and I finally managed to go clothes shopping! I had been at the point where anytime I needed to go somewhere, I had to try on everything in my closet. It usually ended up with me in tears or throwing clothes on the floor in a fit of rage. Nothing fit! Or if it did fit, I couldn't breastfeed in it! And of course, wearing ill-fitting clothes just made me feel worse about my postpartum body. So what a relief to actually have new clothes that fit my new body!

She can talk!

2009-05-17T01:12:00.003-04:00

Little lady learned how to converse! It's so so so cute. I say something to her, pause, and she says, "ah gloo" in her sweet baby voice. Then I ask her a question, and she says, "aaah!" and giggles. It's the best thing ever! I could talk to her all day.

Lucy's first carnival

2009-05-17T01:08:00.008-04:00

We all had a blast!

Well, Lucy mostly slept, but I'm sure she absorbed the festive spirit of it all.

Oh, look who woke up!

Mom held Lucy while Jen and I went on the scariest ride there, the Hot Shot.

And holy cow was it scary! The first time we were upside down, 5 stories in the air, barely held in by the seat belt, I thought, "Oh man, this is more than I bargained for!" Then as the car whooshed 5 stories back down, zipped around, and back up to the top, I thought, "Well if I can give birth, I can handle this!" Jen must have been thinking the same thing, because the next time we flew down she yelled,
"WE HAD BABIES OUT OF OUR VAGINAAAAAAS!"

We sure did, Lady. We sure did.

It rained today

2009-05-16T02:56:00.002-04:00

Luckily, Lucy was content to sit inside and watch the thunderstorms with Mama.

Oh, it's wonderful here

2009-05-16T02:13:00.001-04:00

Here's what we've been up to since we got to St. Louis.

Grammi found the Snoopy! This is the baby carrier she wore us in when we were babies. Grammi and Paddy took us ballroom dancing in this thing, and we loved it. Looks like Lucy likes it too!

We've been taking a million walks every day. Well, maybe five a day. Lucy loves them because they make her stop crying and help her go to sleep. It's so cute to watch her watching all the trees and flowers--she's so entranced!

This little lady is out like a light!

We've also been doing a lot of baking...

And Lucy got to meet Mike Brown, my best friend from college (and the minister who married her parents!) She tried really hard to breastfeed from him...I guess he just seemed so motherly.

Hiking around Grammi's House

2009-05-13T11:54:00.003-04:00

Grammi and I showed Lucy, Jen, and Reiley the trail that I used to hike on when I was little. It's right behind Grammi's house. The neighborhood is manicured and suburban...you'd never expect the wilds that grow right behind the matching houses.

There's a retired obstetrician in the neighborhood who spends his time planting trees and grasses back here. He really is a character. Picture an old white guy in basketball shorts, covered in mud, who will talk your ear off whenever you come without shouting distance. When he found out we live in New York, he said, "Oh really? I used to go there for two weeks every year, to take African Dance classes." I'm still working up the nerve to ask him for a demonstration!

Look how tiny Grammi is! She's a little forest fairy!

This always was the best hill for running down. And sledding down! We'll have to come back in the winter so Lucy can try out sledding.

Lucy meets my family!

2009-05-12T15:12:00.008-04:00

On Mother's Day, Lucy and I flew back to visit my family. Aaaaaaah, I was so scared to travel alone with her! I was terrified to be THAT LADY with THAT BABY on the plane, but she actually slept most of the time and didn't cry that much.

I got to introduce my baby to my family!

The gang's all here!

Changing party!

Ainsley is so sweet with Lucy. She makes silly faces at her, sings her songs, and keeps exclaiming, "All that hair!" When Lucy got a little overwhelmed with all the Ainsley-love, Kevin told her, "Don't worry, Lucy, she's a happy monster." She sure is!

Blond, blond, black! Tim jokes that Lucy is Reiley's evil doppelganger, because they look so similar except for their coloring.

Everyone wanted a chance to hold Lucy on their laps. We joked that even Sawyer is big enough to try!

And so he did. Here's a blurry, but hysterical picture of him munching on her fingers.

Baby games! Won't it be fun for them to have a cousin just four months apart?

Grammi got this gorgeous Moses basket for Lucy to nap in while she's here. Our apartment at home is small enough that I can always hear Lucy, no matter which room I'm in. But here, it's easier to keep her near me so I'll be sure to hear her little sleeping squeaks and baby calls.

Ainsley and Reiley (our resident Bible scholars) have been playing Baby Moses every day. Ainsley is Moses, Reiley is the big sister, Miriam, Jen is Moses's mom, Yochabed, and I'm the Princess.

It's just so pretty here. I feel relaxed for the first time since Lucy was born. Can we please move here?

My First Mother's Day

2009-05-10T03:07:00.002-04:00

Doing what we do best.

Midhoof Appointment

2009-05-07T02:19:00.002-04:00

Today was my 6 week postpartum check up with the midhoof, as Tim calls her. Everything's a-ok!

I took Lucy in the Maya sling that we just got. I'm hoping that it will be easier to use than our other baby wearing things, especially for traveling and quick baby wearings around the house. I love the color! Lucy and I are getting the hang of it, but apparently we're not at the point yet where we can take pictures of ourselves that we actually show up in.

I met another mom in the midwife's waiting room with a funny baby wearing story. She said that with her first baby, she wore him in the Baby Bjorn with it on UPSIDE DOWN for weeks, until a stranger stopped her in the street and explained how it was supposed to be worn!

Baby Games

2009-05-05T22:09:00.004-04:00

Lucy is waking up! She's settled herself into a daily schedule, and that schedule now includes time when she's awake and wants to play.

She likes to watch her giraffe from Great GranE that plays Brahm's Lullaby. I can sing it to her in German, but I don't think I've ever heard the lyrics in English.

Aww, I just found an English version and it's so sweet! I'll just take out the creepy angel part.

Lullaby and good night, thy mother's delight

Bright angels beside my darling abide

They will guard thee at rest, thou shalt wake on my breast

Today was the first time I've read to her while we're laying on the bed--just like we did for story time when I was little!

Of course, Lucy's favorite pastime is still nursing! We started calling it having a love snack.

Mama got to play mama games today, too! I went out to lunch at the corner diner with my mama friend from the neighborhood, and one of her mama friends. It was cute--they parked their strollers at the table and the six of us giggled for hours. Well, the mamas and the little boys giggled; Lucy just slept in her Moby. I love spending time with other moms. They understand.

Now that I know how to put the Moby on around Lucy, it's been much easier to get out of the house. We've been going for walks every day, even in the rain. It's really helping me feel like me again. I was going nuts spending every day just talking to a baby and pacing these two rooms! And as an added bonus...walking in the Moby always puts Lucy to sleep!

Baby Weekend

2009-05-04T02:02:00.003-04:00

Here's what we did this weekend...

We got professional newborn portraits taken by Sarah Tew, the talented photographer who did our maternity photos. She was actually on call to photograph Lucy's birth, but ended up being at our friends' home birth instead! You can see more of the newborn photos here, and the maternity photos here. Let me warn you though, don't look at the maternity photos if you're not interested in seeing me naked!

Lucy's hair is ridiculously adorable in all the pictures!

We were feeling brave, so we took the train home from Sarah's studio. It was Lucy's first time on the train! I'm not sure if I'm confident enough yet to attempt this alone.

I'm thinking of starting elimination communication with Lucy. I'm not too committed to it yet; I just like the idea of using less diapers! We'll see how it works, I guess.

Apashka and Atashka brought some precious baby girl clothes for Lucy. She's still too small for most of the clothes, but the hat already fits.

We think it makes her look like a baby in a fairy tale!

40 Day Party

2009-05-02T01:19:00.003-04:00

Lucy is 40 days old today! If she had been born on her due date, her 40 day birthday would have been our wedding anniversary. It ended up being on May Day though, which is almost as good.

It's a Kazakh tradition to have a special party for the baby when she turns 40 days old. Traditionally, the baby and mother would have stayed in the house for the first 39 days after birth, so this is the welcome to the world party where everyone else gets to meet the baby.

I think this is another lovely Kazakh tradition. (That's one of the aspects I love of marrying into Kazakh/Russian culture--new traditions!) The family elder spoons 40 spoon-fulls of salt water over the baby while each member of the family gives her a blessing. Lucy received wonderful blessings: to be healthy, wise, cheerful, lucky, smart, fabulously rich, and surrounded by love.

Lucy was as happy as a mermaid in her new baby tub. She smiled and watched us intently the whole time she was being blessed.

Lucy and Apashka are such a pair, aren't they? It tickled my heart to watch the two of them smile back and forth at each other. (And can you believe Apaskha is our family elder? I think she looks way too young!)

After the blessing bath, someone cuts a lock of the baby's hair to save forever. Karima was a very brave and careful hair cutter! I'm going to put the tiny envelope of Lucy's hair in her baby book. Then the baby is rubbed with sheep fat, or in our case, fancy Swiss baby lotion.

Grammi and Great GranE were able to watch the ceremony from St. Louis over Skype. This was the first time Great GranE got to see Lucy on video chat. I loved being able to show my daughter to my family's matriarch!

Lucy sure is sleeping well after all those blessings and a relaxing evening in her luxurious bath.

A yay day!

2009-05-01T03:25:00.002-04:00

Today was so much better than yesterday. In the morning, I bounced Lucy to sleep after a crying jag. Then I figured out how to tie the Moby wrap on around her. This is big--up until now, I had to tie the thing on (and it's SUPER complicated, like 18 feet long or something ridiculous like that) and then try to get Lucy in. It seems that Lucy likes BEING in the Moby and the Hotsling, but not GETTING in them. So this is awesome, I can wait for her to fall asleep on me and then put in on around her! And better yet, we can even breastfeed like this!

I'm extra excited about this because it means I finally found a comfortable way to wear Lucy around the house for extended periods. I'll be able to use two hands again! And breastfeed at the same time! Just imagine what I'll be able to get done!

(Quick, what's my favorite color?)

Later today, our friends from home birth class (and fellow MDC mama!) came over. Their baby and Lucy have the same birthday, and they even look alike with their long, dark hair and gorgeous brown eyes.

We bounced our crying babies, breastfed, and changed diapers while we talked about life with new babies. It soothed my soul to be with a mama who understands! In real life! I really need to build a better real-life mama community here, I need a village to help me raise a Lucy.

Ok, I should really just make a separate blog of Foods I Can Eat While Breastfeeding.

Today's highlights include...

Garlic knots!

Veggie burger!

I'm getting much better at not getting food on Lucy. Although I should probably admit that while brushing my teeth today, I spit a little toothpaste on her head. Hey, at least I managed to brush my teeth!

Not Such a Happy Lady

2009-04-29T21:24:00.000-04:00

Both of us crying in front of the window.

Lucy's been having screaming fits lately. We're still trying to figure out why, so we can fix her. Sometimes she screams because she's about to poop. Sometimes she screams because she's tired but needs help falling asleep. And sometimes she screams because...who knows?

It's tough to be a patient mom when your baby screams and cries for hours. I think the lullabies I sing her are mostly to calm me down, and the bouncy dances I do are mostly to soothe myself. I feel so much despair knowing that Tim won't be home for hours, that I have to do it alone until then, and that I have to do the same thing tomorrow, and the next day, and the next.

Being a stay at home mom is hard.

Happy Lady

2009-04-28T00:58:00.000-04:00

Lucy is happy today!

Maybe it's because things went so well with the lactation consultant.

She said that Lucy's tongue works now, and so she can finally breastfeed effectively.

Look at my baby chunk-a-lunk! She weighs almost 10 pounds now!

Hooray!!!

More Things I Can Do While Breastfeeding

2009-04-26T22:55:00.001-04:00

More things I can do while breastfeeding:

Eat ice cream!

Take a taxi to Manhattan!

Make my placenta into pills to help prevent Postpartum Depression!

Yeah, can you believe I did that? ME, the squeamish almost vegan? OH MAN. I really think it will be worth it, though. I actually had a smoothie made out of raw placenta right after labor, but it wasn't as gross as this.

Yep, placenta doesn't smell too great when it's cooking.

Baby Magic

2009-04-26T22:23:00.002-04:00

Lucy is getting so much protection! Uncle Malek gave her a hamsa to wear whenever we leave the house to protect her from the evil eye. Great GranE sent a guardian angel medal for her. We pinned them both inside Lucy's sling, so she'll be protected when we're out and about.

Tim's parents made ancestor pancakes for us last night. It's a Kazakh tradtition--once a week they make pancakes for their ancestors, and ask the ancestors to protect all of us. I really love this tradition. Hopefully Alla and Aidar will teach me how to make ancestor pancakes for our new little family while they're here.

Isn't it wonderful that Lucy is being protected through the customs of all these different cultures? She'll be the safest baby ever!

One Year Anniversary!

2009-04-26T17:30:00.001-04:00

A year ago today...

One year later...

It's so mind blowing that in just one year, we created this whole person! Wished for her, made her, grew her, birthed her, and raised her for five weeks already! And she's just such a wonderful person, don't you agree?

Happy one year anniversary, Tim! And happy five week birthday, Lucy!

Attachment Grandparenting

2009-04-23T03:39:00.002-04:00

Baby wearing is one of the main beliefs of attachment parenting, and a tradition in my family. When I was a baby, my parents wore me in a front pack at their ballroom dance class. And after three kids, Kevin and Jen are slinging experts--I'm eagerly awaiting Jen's tutorial on how to nurse in a sling!

It's terrific to see baby wearing spread to Tim's family, too. I think Apashka looks so chic, and Lucy looks so secure and comfortable! She spent hours happily snoozing in Apashka's arms while Mama and Atashka took care of the errands. Next it's Aunt Karima's turn!

Splish Splash

2009-04-23T02:54:00.000-04:00

This is how we gave Lucy her first bath. She did NOT like it.
It does look kind of cold and lonely, doesn't it?

Now we take baths together. I breastfeed Lucy in the tub while Papa massages her with baby soap. I love it...she feels so smooshy and slimy! I like to pretend that being warm and wet together reminds her of being inside me.

When Lucy's finished, Papa cuddles her dry in a towel. Look at that smile! She definitely likes family baths MUCH better than bathing alone!

One Month Old

2009-04-22T07:29:00.000-04:00

Breastfeeding this morning, while crying.

From some angles, your cheeks are still as chubby as the day you were born.

Dear Lucy,

You're exactly one month and twenty minutes old. We're sitting on the couch, breastfeeding, just a few feet away from where you were born. The light coming through the window is exactly like it was the moment we saw each other for the first time. You've been awake and yelling at me and your papa for two hours, but now you finally settled down. Now you're looking up at me, gazing into my eyes and drifting off to sleep.

It's only been a month, but I already wish we could have the time back. Just thinking about it makes me cry. I can't figure out where the time went. I feel like I get so caught up with changing diapers, trying to get some sleep, sitting on the couch breastfeeding you, that I haven't had enough time to just cherish you. A whole month already? It's so hard to believe. I wish I could stop time and just hold you. I wish you could stay a newborn forever. I want you to stay tiny always, curled up like a peanut, like when you were inside me. This is such a precious time, I don't want it to end, I don't want you to change. I want you to stay exactly like you were the last moment you were inside me, the first moment I saw you and held you. You were part of my body for nine months, now it hurts me when I have to put you down. It hurts even more knowing you're growing up, and soon you won't want me to always hold you.

Your elbows still feel exactly like they did when you rolled them across my stomach from the inside, sharp and pointy. That's how I knew for certain that you were the baby I grew inside me, by your elbows. I recognized them. I know they'll be pudgy soon, and it makes me want to cry. How can I keep them like this forever?

I'm already forgetting how you smelled when you were born. You smelled indescribable...primal, earthy, delicious. I didn't want to bathe you when you were born, I wanted to keep you smelling like that forever. Grammi told me that you stank, and that in the wild it would be dangerous, because all the beasts would smell you and want to eat you. I told her that I was the beast who wanted to eat you. We called you Beastie Treat for weeks. Elizabeth told me that she saved the hat that Judah wore when he was born in a ziplock baggie, so she could keep his smell. Why didn't I think of that? Now you smell sweet, like a Bakery Treat, and of course I love it too and breathe it for hours, but I miss my Beastie Treat.

I love how small you are, how I can hold you in one arm when I breastfeed you. I love how you relax and smoosh into me when you're eating. I love how alert you are when you're awake, how you look around at the world like it's so fascinating. I love how you wake up in the mornings, look over at me, and grin. I love your silky baby hair, how it stands straight up and reminds everyone of your papa's fauxhawk. I love the crazy faces you make when you fall asleep at my breast. I love singing you lullabies when you're eating in the middle of the night, and the waves of love that wash over me when I sing them. I love your hands, your delicate fingers, and watching them flutter and dance. I wonder sometimes if you'll be a dancer. I love your baby squeaks and all the sounds you make. I love your breast-milky smell. It smells like warm cookies. I love that I smell like that, too. I love finally understanding how much my Mom loves me.

It breaks my heart that you're a month old already. I'm proud we made it this far, but it's just so bittersweet.

I love you so much,
Mama

Look Who's Here!

2009-04-21T10:27:00.000-04:00

Apashka and Atashka are visiting from Geneva. It was so sweet to see them meeting their grandbaby for the first time! They brought presents for Lucy...precious pink baby girl clothes, we can't wait for her to grow into them. It's great to have Tim's parents here to help us. Lord knows life with a newborn can be overwhelming!

We all went out to dinner at our favorite Japanese place. Lucy was wonderful...she nursed through most of dinner and then slept happily in Aunt Karima's arms. (Isn't Karima adorable in those glasses?)

The Best Thing

2009-04-19T02:38:00.001-04:00

So far, sleeping with Lucy is my favorite part of being a Mama. It's so sweet! I love that she tickles me with her tiny hands, and makes baby squeaks all night, and nuzzles her head into me. She's dreamy!

Foods I Can Eat While Breastfeeding

2009-04-19T02:36:00.001-04:00

Pizza!!

Sushi!!

(Of course, Lady Baby ended up with marina sauce and soy sauce all over her onesie.)

Loosik the Moosik

2009-04-17T16:57:00.000-04:00

I call her Lucy Mae, and Papa calls her Lucy the Moosey.

These are her antlers.

Hello!

2009-04-17T14:14:00.001-04:00

I'm a Mama now, and this is my Lady Baby.

We had her at home, on the kitchen floor. Here she is 10 minutes later, on our bed, covered in gunk and contemplating the world outside.