Tuesday, March 16, 2010

March 17

A year ago today was my due date. The date that I had two countdown widgets for. The date that was my reference point, my guiding star, for almost a year. I know it will always be a day I remember.

Now that we're closing in on the end of Lucy's first year, I'm feeling so wistful and nostalgic. I want to write down everything, save everything, remember everything. Every time I lay down in bed to nurse Lucy, I think of the things I want to record. My thoughts about Lucy, the things that make her smile, our private jokes. I have a whole Microsoft Word document full of blog drafts that I can't post because I keep on thinking of things I want to add to them. I've never been much of a recorder before. I've always liked the idea of journals, but would write in them for a few weeks before forgetting them under my bed or in a drawer. But this feels different. This year is too important to ever forget. Could I forget it though? I remember being a little girl, and singing the hymn, "Does a mother forget her baby? Or a woman, the child within her womb?" I didn't know what that meant until this year. Of course I can't forget this year, but I'm still so scared of the details slipping between my fingers.

I talked (cried!) to my mom tonight on the phone about this nostalgia. She said of course I'm feeling like this. She said that motherhood is just so big and life-changing that no one can convey it's magnitude. It's true.

I feel like this year was such a special and magical time that it's hard to let go of. I cried every day for the first week after Lucy's birth, because I didn't want her to be a day older. I didn't want to get farther away from the time that she was inside me, and that I birthed her and became her mother. I remember sitting on the couch with my mom one night when Lucy was a few days old. Lucy was finally asleep in my arms after a marathon nursing session. I cried to my mom, telling her that I just didn't want Lucy to ever get any older, that I wanted her to stay my tiny baby forever. My mom looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "I know, I feel that way about you, too." I'm not so hormonal now as I was right after Lucy's birth, but I feel just as sentimental and teary. How can it be that just a year ago, Lucy wasn't even in the world? And now she's so here, so herself, and I'm such a different me. We're such a we.

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